When I walked up on porch I thought something looked out of
place. Its winter, Christmas Eve to be exact, and I see before me a scene with
a twist.
Snow - check
Bench and firepit - check
Ailing sun on the cabin door - check
Frosty wood pile - check
Curtains poking through a window… che….
Glass on the porch. Crap
The first thought that crosses my mind is related to thermal
physics: I let the cabin go cold while I was house sitting, is it possible for
a rapid temperature change to depressurize a window to the point of glazing
failure? Who knows; I bet my Uncle Bill would have the answer.
I unlock the door and go in the house. Yep glass inside, and
a piece of firewood is in the
kitchen. Welllll. Can it get so cold that a piece of wood flies up and smashes
through a window?... probably not.
I look around stuff is generally tousled. Cabinets opened
up. Items strewn about. [mental note: I
have too much crap] And I realize
that something is missing. Something biggish. I interact with fairly regularly.
But I cant quite put my finger on it. Its like that one summer where we came
home from school, sat in the living room, and stared at the spot where the TV
used to be for five minutes before realizing it wasn't there…
The heater. That's whats missing. The little robot-looking
guy that keeps me warm.
He used to look like this:
but now he looks like this
I look back and see the methhead-shaped hole in the window
more clearly. Now with a fine toothed comb I make some startling discoveries.
Other things are missing. It becomes apparent that this guy is a total amateur.
Things like a power circ-saw are missing, a hand saw, a level, a roofing
stapler; foolish one-dimensional tools… things that any old schmuck would buy.
The heater?! How lowbrow is that? I mean obviously you take the heaviest thing in
the cabin not full of frozen food.
Any real seasoned thief would know that you go for rare
items; things that you wont find in any ole cabin. Heck, everyone I know has a Monitor
or Toyo heater - way to be original. You're never going to go anywhere in the
illustrious world of theft stealing shit that everyone ALREADY HAS you Asshat.
He missed the most valuable
things in the cabin:
First of all Larry
Look out A1 Abrams! This guy can go anywhere. And at just
300k miles young why wouldn't you trust him to take you any place. PLUS he's
got VSD (Variable Self-Deflating) tires, self draining fluids (never blow money
on another oil change), and integral bow-flex (non-power-assisted) steering -
don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not getting a workout while you
drive or parallel park.
Gold Lamé
Pants. I mean, for crying out loud. How obvious does it need to be for you?…
they're made of GOLD!! you dolt.
More Textiles:
A quick peek into that green bag would have revealed:
An award-winning "Paper" costume - as voted by the
highly publicized Pub Halloween Judges. And. A pair of Jeggings (which you
simply CANNOT buy in Alaska or for 2,150 miles - the distance from Fairbanks to
Capitol Hill in Seattle) that were featured in a haunted house in Fairbanks. I
should mention that this particular haunted house was in the TOP TWO haunted
houses in Fairbanks.
I think our guy might have been deaf. Or maybe just blind.
In his frantic smash-and-grab he actually climbed over a priceless piece of
history and hip-hop culture. Look closely at the photo below:
Yeah that's right a
SHOULDER-MOUNT boom box. The kind that only takes 16D batteries and can
jumpstart a VW. The kind that LL Cool J got so much ass with. And if you still
doubt its value - just look at the BRIGHT GREEN PRICE STICKER. Clearly its
worth at least $10. Do I need to spoon feed value to this guy or what?
Then there are the Artsy items.
shoot. The Great Alaskan Bowl Company robs people by selling
these things, I'd at least like to think that they're worth stealing…no? well
crud.
A custom handcrafted EPS foam guitar, featured and played
one-time-only at J.Mae's birthday bash 2012.
A vintage Columbus Clippers Mini-bat circa 1993 - imported
to Interior Alaska from the Midwestern United States.
As for culinary supplies…
Does this guy even know how to
cook? Has he ever eaten a day in his life? Maybe he just eats wood chips and
moose tracks; in which case I'm just full of empathy.
On the left: a rubber grippy thing that cost some ridiculous
price. The right: A planar; a borderline otherworldly device that unlocks
hidden flavor in everyday foods - never before has cheese been shredded so
finely, that even a gentle breath could melt it.
And finally. The most valuable items in the place. More
valuable than gold pants. More valuable than heating oil. More valuable than
vintage objects and custom guitars. Little jars of magic. That bottle of enzyme
pills costs well over $30. That's like $4 a pill. Vanilla Extract. Does it
really need an intro? It's the most versatile and substance on earth. It goes
in cookies and, can be used as a solvent, is used to lighten smells in
outhouses AND, I hear, you can even get drunk off it. The last item I surely
expected to be missing, especially by a moose-shit eating criminal hoping to
improve his culinary situation,
I T A L I A N
W H I T E T R U F F L E
D I
F F U S E D
O L I V E O I L
This stuff makes everything
taste better. In Chicago, a pepperoni pizza blessed with truffle oil will run
you three to four-hundred times as much as one with out it.
So in conclusion: I could have left a vial of saffron or a
plutonium rod on the counter and it would have been as safe as if it were locked
in a vault. (ref: http://www.businessinsider.com/most-valuable-substances-by-weight-2011-11?op=1)
So never fear Fairbanks, your most precious items are safe
from this caliber of criminal. And if they aren't perhaps you should reconsider
what you regard as valuable.
