Life Audit, courtesy from a thief.

When I walked up on porch I thought something looked out of place. Its winter, Christmas Eve to be exact, and I see before me a scene with a twist.

Snow - check

Bench and firepit - check

Ailing sun on the cabin door - check

Frosty wood pile - check

Curtains poking through a window… che….

Glass on the porch. Crap

The first thought that crosses my mind is related to thermal physics: I let the cabin go cold while I was house sitting, is it possible for a rapid temperature change to depressurize a window to the point of glazing failure? Who knows; I bet my Uncle Bill would have the answer.

I unlock the door and go in the house. Yep glass inside, and a piece of firewood is in the kitchen. Welllll. Can it get so cold that a piece of wood flies up and smashes through a window?... probably not.

I look around stuff is generally tousled. Cabinets opened up. Items strewn about. [mental note: I have too much crap] And I realize that something is missing. Something biggish. I interact with fairly regularly. But I cant quite put my finger on it. Its like that one summer where we came home from school, sat in the living room, and stared at the spot where the TV used to be for five minutes before realizing it wasn't there…

The heater. That's whats missing. The little robot-looking guy that keeps me warm.

He used to look like this:

but now he looks like this

I look back and see the methhead-shaped hole in the window more clearly. Now with a fine toothed comb I make some startling discoveries. Other things are missing. It becomes apparent that this guy is a total amateur. Things like a power circ-saw are missing, a hand saw, a level, a roofing stapler; foolish one-dimensional tools… things that any old schmuck would buy.

The heater?! How lowbrow is that? I mean obviously you take the heaviest thing in the cabin not full of frozen food.

Any real seasoned thief would know that you go for rare items; things that you wont find in any ole cabin. Heck, everyone I know has a Monitor or Toyo heater - way to be original. You're never going to go anywhere in the illustrious world of theft stealing shit that everyone ALREADY HAS you Asshat. 

He missed the most valuable things in the cabin:

First of all Larry

Look out A1 Abrams! This guy can go anywhere. And at just 300k miles young why wouldn't you trust him to take you any place. PLUS he's got VSD (Variable Self-Deflating) tires, self draining fluids (never blow money on another oil change), and integral bow-flex (non-power-assisted) steering - don't ever let anyone tell you that you're not getting a workout while you drive or parallel park.

Gold Lamé Pants. I mean, for crying out loud. How obvious does it need to be for you?… they're made of GOLD!! you dolt.

More Textiles:

A quick peek into that green bag would have revealed:

An award-winning "Paper" costume - as voted by the highly publicized Pub Halloween Judges. And. A pair of Jeggings (which you simply CANNOT buy in Alaska or for 2,150 miles - the distance from Fairbanks to Capitol Hill in Seattle) that were featured in a haunted house in Fairbanks. I should mention that this particular haunted house was in the TOP TWO haunted houses in Fairbanks.

I think our guy might have been deaf. Or maybe just blind. In his frantic smash-and-grab he actually climbed over a priceless piece of history and hip-hop culture. Look closely at the photo below:

Yeah that's right a SHOULDER-MOUNT boom box. The kind that only takes 16D batteries and can jumpstart a VW. The kind that LL Cool J got so much ass with. And if you still doubt its value - just look at the BRIGHT GREEN PRICE STICKER. Clearly its worth at least $10. Do I need to spoon feed value to this guy or what?

Then there are the Artsy items.

shoot. The Great Alaskan Bowl Company robs people by selling these things, I'd at least like to think that they're worth stealing…no? well crud.

A custom handcrafted EPS foam guitar, featured and played one-time-only at J.Mae's birthday bash 2012.

A vintage Columbus Clippers Mini-bat circa 1993 - imported to Interior Alaska from the Midwestern United States.

As for culinary supplies… 

Does this guy even know how to cook? Has he ever eaten a day in his life? Maybe he just eats wood chips and moose tracks; in which case I'm just full of empathy.

On the left: a rubber grippy thing that cost some ridiculous price. The right: A planar; a borderline otherworldly device that unlocks hidden flavor in everyday foods - never before has cheese been shredded so finely, that even a gentle breath could melt it.

And finally. The most valuable items in the place. More valuable than gold pants. More valuable than heating oil. More valuable than vintage objects and custom guitars. Little jars of magic. That bottle of enzyme pills costs well over $30. That's like $4 a pill. Vanilla Extract. Does it really need an intro? It's the most versatile and substance on earth. It goes in cookies and, can be used as a solvent, is used to lighten smells in outhouses AND, I hear, you can even get drunk off it. The last item I surely expected to be missing, especially by a moose-shit eating criminal hoping to improve his culinary situation,

I T A L I A N   

W H I T E    T R U F F L E     

D I F F U S E D    

O L I V E    O I L

This stuff makes everything taste better. In Chicago, a pepperoni pizza blessed with truffle oil will run you three to four-hundred times as much as one with out it.

So in conclusion: I could have left a vial of saffron or a plutonium rod on the counter and it would have been as safe as if it were locked in a vault. (ref: http://www.businessinsider.com/most-valuable-substances-by-weight-2011-11?op=1)

So never fear Fairbanks, your most precious items are safe from this caliber of criminal. And if they aren't perhaps you should reconsider what you regard as valuable.